Delusions of Grandeur

Archive for May 2003

Can’t sleep. Don’t know if it’s the fact that I took a three hour nap after work this evening or what but I am completely wired. After tossing and turning for an hour or so decided to quit torturing seth and come back out here…..maybe I’ll try again in another hour. Part of the problem is that I’m so psyched for this trip to the UK that I keeppicturing all the fun things we’re gonna see and do and imagining myself as a cheesy tourist…..yes I fully intend to be a cheesy tourist (in fact if I find out that they really do call the quarter pounder with cheese something else I’m gonna go into mcdonald’s just so I can take a picture with the menu sign calling it something else, that’s how cheesy I am!!).

Of course I’m still having nightmares of getting lost in Dublin or something but that’s part of the fun of travelling I suppose. Besides, if we get too lost we can always just hail a cab or something. I wonder if they call them cabs there? I know they call all sorts of other things by wierd words. I found out just the other day that even the word for umbrella is different….can’t for the life of me remember what their word for it is though. I’m also somewhat convinced that even if I do try to learn the “proper” words in advance with my american accent they’ll decide I just don’t know what I’m talking about and compensate for it. Like what if I really do ask for chips instead of fries and they, thinking that I’m a silly american actually give me crisps instead of fries? See the crazy things I worry about? It never ceases to amaze me, the crazy scenarios I come up with. Anyhow I intend to take tons of pictures and then work on both a digital and a real life scrapbook when I get back. I’ll post a link on here to the digital one once I get it up. The plan is to document the entire trip starting right at packing and going through my arrival home. I just have to find people willing to take all those pictures. I would rather have pictures with both Angela and I in them but I have a feeling it’s going to end up being just one or the other of us in most of them. We are with a group however so maybe there will be people willing to help us out. I can’t believe it’s only ten days ’til I leave. It seems like we’ve been talking about this trip forever and it’s almost here. If I’m this restless more than a week away who knows what I’ll be like the night before. I plan to try to stay up all night….hopefully that will enable me to sleep the nine hour flight away…..My flight arrives at six thirty in the morning saturday so I’ll have the full day ahead of me, I intend to be well rested and enjoy it. I figure we can go through Portobello Road market since that’s close to our hotel and maybe catch some of the more famous sites while we wait for our room to be ready at three.

We haven’t really planned all that much out. Most of the trip is pre-planned so that helps a lot and I guess we’ll just see what there is that we haven’t already seen. We added two extra days to the end in London so that’ll give us time to ourselves to do what we want. Maybe take a day trip across to Paris or up to Edinburgh. I wonder if they’ll be doing any of the Harry Potter shooting in London while we’re there? That would be really cool, but unfortunately not likely to be happening.

I can’t believe I’m actually writing in this thing after abandoning it for so long…’s just with all these thoughts of scrapbooking it’s got me in a very journal-y mood……after all I’ll have to make some sort of written notation each night before going to bed so I’ll remember everything by the time I get around to putting everything together with the pictures.

On a totally different note life has been wierd lately. I’ve been hearing from all sorts of long-lost friend types. First Andy randomly contacts me about two weeks before my birthday and I now talk to him two or three times a week….it’s strange how we can totally drop out of each other’s lives for five years and still feel like the best of friends. I don’t know if I’ll ever really forgive us for the damage that we did to our friendship. Then through Andy I hear from Katie, who I’ve only seen like twice since her wedding…..wouldn’t be so wierd except that I was her maid of honor so you would think we would have kept in touch more. Then today I got an even more random email from Tom from Oklahoma. I don’t think I’ve talked to him since before he and Jessica graduated.

But it’s nice hearing from all these old friends…..especially since I don’t have any real friends here in miami, just seth’s hand me downs……I know that sounds horrible but it really does feel like that. All my friends are his friends or the girl-friends of his friends. Angela might be moving down here for nursing school which would be completely awesome. Anyhow, I guess that’s enough for tonight….don’t want this thing to go into overload from the shock of me actually using it!!!


I somehow can’t believe this happened but I had almost finished typing an entry when I decided to change the size of the box and lost EVERYTHING now I have to start over and I’m not sure I can remember it as clearly!

“He went against the destiny that was written for him on the standing stones of fate. When he did this he went against the very thing that makes up his soul… his soul left him, and without a soul you cannot exist.”

When I woke up this morning that was the last line of a very strange dream. I don’t know why I feel so compelled to write it down….probably because on some levels it has several parallels to my own life but others are completely confusing and I hope that writing it out will help render it in a clearer light.

The dream…..a series of short vignettes which showed me visiting this town…..a town that I was very familiar with, yet was not my own. Almost like a hometown that I had left long ago, and indeed that’s what I think it was. Each time I visited the town my clothing and the way people acted towards me indicated not only a growing sense of self but also a rate of increasing success. The people in the town also changed, but much slower, with the more important “characters” changing the slowest of all. They also continued through their lives with various amounts of success….although again it seemed as though their circumstances where continually improving. With these people I felt completely comfortable, and yet at the same time a little sad… I knew I could never belong in this place of security and maintain my own sense of self… if in order to live in this safe haven I must loose some part of what made me essentially “me”. Throughout my visits there were two people who were ALWAYS there. A girl and a boy. The girl was a guide to me…..the same age as me, but wiser and more stable. And very important in my life. Any time there was trouble or something really good happened she was the one I ran to. The boy…..well that’s a whole story unto itself. The first visit in the dream showed us very young…..13 or 14 at the most… was what I think of as the time of leaving…..he followed me around in an almost worshipful fashion……with him I could do no wrong and it made me uncomfortable, yet at the same time….it’s almost as if that early adulation is what led me down the rest of my life path. As if I continued to crave that absolute acceptance while KNOWING that I didn’t deserve it. As I said before, he was one of the two people who was ALWAYS there in every town visit. Over the years he became more distant….didn’t follow me as much physically, yet I could usually sense his eyes on me. He became sort of like my conscience. Because he felt like I could do no wrong…..I didn’t want to, I didn’t want to shatter his belief in me. I didn’t know the foundation for that belief so I couldn’t know if it were truly solid or not. This is perhaps the reason that I knew I couldn’t live in the town and not loose myself. After all….I am human and humans make mistakes….they do things which even while they do them, they realize are wrong. I don’t remember any of the exact moments from the sequences, just the overall feel and storyline….and of course the last visit…..the one that leads to that last line…….I don’t know why that line haunts me so much, but I can’t get it out of my head. In the last visit I was shown before I woke up there was another man there. A man that my watcher didn’t like. And yet I couldn’t help it…..this new man…..he was the one that I loved. It didn’t matter that the watcher had devoted himself to me….it didn’t matter because I never agreed to it. It was like something inside me snapped…..I couldn’t handle being forced away from my natural inclinations. I decided not to fight my feelings for the new man, despite what the watcher felt. And one night as I stood on the porch, wrapped in the arms of the man I love the watcher seemed to snap too. He challenged the man who stood holding me in his arms… action I couldn’t even imagine……after all, he wasn’t a violent person and who issues challenges in this day and age? As they each palmed a knife I moved to stop them but the watcher had already made his first thrust. It caught me through the side and yet I almost didn’t feel it, so intent was I on stopping what I felt would be the certain death of the watcher. I watched in stunned silence as the watcher seemed to simply evaporate before my eyes. One moment he was there….the next a shroud of mist scattered by the next breeze. As I watched those particles float away with the wind I fainted. When I woke my guide……the girl from all the scenes….except, ironically, this one was beside me. I was in a room that reminded me vaguely of a hospital room, yet didn’t seem to have any of the machinery that you normally see. My side hurt a bit, but I had obviously been given pain killers since it wasn’t really that bad. The real pain came when I looked in her eyes and saw the truth there…..that I hadn’t imagined him leaving…it had really happened. When I opened my mouth to ask her what happened she lay a finger across my lips indicating that I should be silent. And with tears streaming down her face she said that line…..the last line of the dream. “He went against the destiny that was written for him on the standing stones of fate. When he did this he went against the very thing that makes up his soul… his soul left him, and without a soul you cannot exist.” And with those words I knew I could never go back to my town… safe and comfortable town….because it couldn’t possibly exist any more.

and I woke up. Like I said…..wierd and definitely eery…..almost like something out of a book.


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