Delusions of Grandeur

God I hope they never make a movie like this

Posted on: April 28, 2004

I just had what was quite possibly the wierdest dream ever….it is also an idea for a very very BAD horror flic. In my dream I was the guy from Jaws and had just moved to a new oceanside locale. The local police force, who I was training was making fun of me for being overly paranoid about sharks because I had just thought I had sighted a shark and it had turned out to be a child’s toy.

I was lecturing them on how many times I had seen areas that had never had a shark problem suddenly turn up with one. I indicated how the water was unusually murky and said some sort of mumbo-jumbo about the river backing up due to some strange new mating habit of the shrimp that was brought about by el nino (see I told you this was weird). Anyhow, as I was lecturing the tide did something funny and we had a little, I don’t even know how to describe it…it was a tidal wave without the drama and wind and rain, etc.

At that point in time I really did spot a shark and took off with my devices that attached to either arm and were both guns and self-propelling floating devices. One of the cadets came with me. As we were going through the waters I was muttering psychotic wierness about how these were MY waters. I spotted the shark again and tossed one of my gun floating device things back to the cadet. Right after that the cadet managed to sink it so I was working on trying to recover it while he held on to the last remaining thing when suddenly the shark loomed out of the water (yes I mean loomed, almost as if he was walking on a platform placed about a foot and a half below the surface) and towered over some kid on a red raft.

The cadet panicked and shot the shark but he used the wrong button, the button he used shot out a spear that was attached to a rope which was attached to the gun. Chaos ensued and we somehow all ended up on the boardwalk trapped, to various degrees in the rope. The shark is now incredibly pissed off, but isn’t trying to attack the kid, instead he’s trying to attack the cadet. It’s as I’m giving specific instructions to the cadet to stay still (much as if the shark was a t-rex and I was the cool dinosaur guy from Jurassic Park) that the cadet starts to freak out, enraging the shark further.

The cadet breaks free and starts to run and now suddenly, instead of the exasperated shark expert I’m now the cadet running from the shark, who has managed to get up on his fins on the boardwalk and is chasing me. As the shark is chasing me it turns in to a very scraggly man (much like the pictures of sirius in the trailer for prisoner of azkaban). He doesn’t seem to have very good sight though because he’s relying on the kid to tell him where I am. I circle around the building with the kid and the shark hot on my tail.

It’s as I’m coming back around to the front of the building that I hear a strange chanting from all the kids, “free the shark, kill the man” I cross the front of the building and up some rarely used stairs that lead to a balcony that overhangs the boardwalk and is (according to my thoughts) rarely used and a place I’m not likely to be found. To further ensure my safety I go up to a third floor that’s not even a real floor, in fact it consists entirely of a bunch of metal pipes that I’m walking on very quietly in order to not reveal my presence.

What I didn’t count on was the sharks sense of smell. It’s not long before I see him coming up the stairs to the third floor. Making a quick decision I notice that there’s an area below where I can jump down to the second floor, swing on some metal pipes there and land down on the first floor. I do that and conveniently disappear into a store, thinking that following my scent will keep the shark busy for a while since my scent is now all over the general area. As I enter the store I overhear the owner complaining that the store has been taken over by the police force as a base of operations. Hearing that I head to the back room and tell the captain my story. Of course he doesn’t believe that there’s a shark who has morphed into a man. The shark expert is conveniently missing.

Apparently they’ve set up a base of operations because after the tidal wave thing all the children started chanting as if controlled by something else. For some reason I instinctively knew it was the shark….probably due to the earlier chanting, but who knows. As I was explaining my reasoning to the captain I saw the shark man walk past the window in a scene eerily similar to the scene in Signs where the alien is filmed walking past at the children’s birthday party (god I hated that movie, it has seriously scarred my psyche). It was at this point that I woke up.

As to why I woke up, who knows, although it’s probably an instinctive reaction to anything that has anything to do with that movie…I had nightmares about that movie for weeks on end, i still can’t figure out why I watched it, but anyhow. I can’t convey to you how much this dream bothered me…it’s incredibly silly and strange but the atmosphere was very eery and I’m simply not a writer so I can’t even begin to describe it to you. Anyhow, there’s your peek in to my psyche. Wierded out yet?

edited: because I wasn’t paying attention to punctuation and spelling when I typed this.

edited a second time: to add gratuitous paragraphs (even though there weren’t any TRULY convenient paragraph breaks) I’m surprised Katie (TX) didn’t chime in on this one!!!

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